Impeach Who?

Ok, people! Looks like we’re going to win us some congressional houses, so we’d better strategize. About what, you ask? Impeachment, of course! Republicans are terrified we’re going to impeach Bush, which just goes to show you how stupid they are. Because of course we’re not going to impeach Bush – perish the thought . Do you want to see President Cheney? Ouch! My eyes! They’re burning!!

Right, so no impeaching Bush – at least not right away. But do not despair, for I have a plan. The older crowd (Dad, Half-full, I’m lookin’ at you) may want to tune out for a while. I’m going to explain to the kids all about history and the Constitution. You may remember a man named Richard Nixon, and his kleptomania problem. And you probably remember that Spiro Agnew was his Vice President. And that Gerald Ford was eventually President after Nixon resigned. And maybe you know that Ford was a member of the House of Representatives, and a Republican. And so you might have thought (as I used to, and as even good old Al Franken apparently still does) that this means that if the President and Vice President are both incapacitated or, you know, crooks, the Speaker of the House or House Majority Leader or someone becomes President. But aha! It is not necessarily so!

In fact, according to the 25th amendment to the US Constitution, the Speaker of the House takes over if both the President and Vice President are incapacitated – but not if they go out one by one, with the Veep going first. For instance, look at how Ford got to be president: it turns out, and I can’t be the only person who had forgotten this since high school civics class, Spiro Agnew was discovered to be a crook in his own right before Nixon. Illegal land deals in Maryland or something. Without a V-P, the Pres. gets to appoint someone to the post. So Nixon chose Ford, who was House MINORITY Leader, to be V-P, and then when Nixon himself had to step down, Ford became President.

Well, you know where I’m going with this. Let’s start by impeaching Cheney, which is actually the easiest since he is such a giant lying corrupt sack of stinking shit. Remember, he’s polling at –12%. He’s a sitting duck. Sorry -- quail. Bush will have to appoint a successor, and you can pretty well guess who it will be, within limits. He only knows about 5 people. Rumsfeld, Rove, whatever. Now, this appointment is subject to senate approval – which we just withhold until we get someone malleable. Then we impeach Bush, and we’ve got a new, better president.

Of course, none of this will happen. But I’m sick to death of the “Impeach Bush!” bumper stickers around here. We’re not impeaching him, more's the pity. I’d settle for a few congressional hearings in which the Democratic members manage to utter coherent sentences (and now, Madame Boxer, I’m lookin’ at you).

This post is purely a prelude. Having dispensed with the impeachment issue, I intend to dedicate the next few posts to outlining a plan for the Democrats after the election. It will be deep. It will be right. It will be, where appropriate, funny. Tune in.