Memo From the Fact-Checking Department

Would it kill the Right to be accurate, just once, just for a change? Roger Ailes (no, not that Roger Ailes -- Roger Ailes the hilariously punchy blogger) advises that we all toddle over to The Corner, the National Review's group blog, to witness what he calls the "500 year dumbassery" of wingnut reaction to the Libby verdict. As always, Ailes was right; it's quite a show. A particular bit of dumbassery of the lying variety struck my eye when I found this kernel of putative analysis:

As we know, a segment of the left views Cheney as some sort of scheming, flame-breathing demon who runs around torturing cats with a Halliburton-made pitchfork—or at the very least, a heartless war-mongering political machine. Too often, the political press forget that the politicians they cover are, well, people, so it's nice to see the New York Times recognize, at least for a moment, that Cheney's an actual human being with a life outside of the role he's usually assigned as Purveyor of War and Evil.

It aggravates the hell out of me that I have to interrupt my busy day of navel-gazing to correct this drivel. First of all, the Times suggested no such thing. They merely quoted someone suggesting that Cheney's heart was broken over the Libby conviction; they never said that they themselves had verified that Cheney had a heart to break (mechanical equipment does not count as a heart). Second of all, get it straight, meatheads -- we don't think that Cheney is a "scheming, flame-breathing demon"; we think he is a vampire. There is a world of difference here, because the important point is that Cheney is the opposite of "flame-breathing" -- he is icy cold. The chill of the grave clings to him. It clings because he is Undead. Also, we liberals are very clearly on record that we do not accuse Cheney of torturing cats. It's puppies, goddamn it, and he doesn't merely torture them -- as everyone knows, he bites off their fluffy little heads and drinks their blood. Christ, how hard is it to get this shit straight?

The bit about "a heartless, war-mongering political machine" is less an inaccuracy than a radical understatement, but in the context of the aforementioned, I'll take it as a direct misrepresentation nonetheless.