Travel Size

I'm still working on the whole "Iraq as Vietnam" thing for you; it's proving complicated (especially since Kissinger refuses either to die or to just shut up). And you're all cooking and traveling this week and don't want to think dark thoughts about war and death and the fact that all ideology is bullshit. Let's talk about that next week. For this week, I'm going to give you some travel tips, courtesy of your friends at the TSA.

The TSA, it turns out, is very much concerned with your breasts. They have several breast proclamations on their site, which, being myself the owner of some breasts, I found most interesting. Let's review them, shall we?

1. You will be relieved to know that you are allowed to travel with your breast prostheses, though they may be made of gel and are therefore potentially highly dangerous.

2. If you have silicone or saline implants, your breasts will not be punctured and drained prior to boarding. What a relief that is!

3. Your underwire bra may set off the metal detector, and that would be bad. So that pretty much cancels out the kindness to big-breasted women demonstrated by the permissive attitude toward implants.

4. If you have breast milk, you can take that on board and, the TSA reassures us, there will be no disgusting ritual of tasting the stuff, either by you or by them. But you must have a baby with you, or the breast milk is a no-go. I consider that very wily of them, making you bring an actual baby. I'm sure they make you take it out of its stroller and demonstrate that it works.

5. If you have amorous intentions for those long mid-air hours, you'll be delighted to find that you're allowed to bring KY jelly on the plane. I know, it's not about breasts, but somehow it seemed worth mentioning. I mean, they actually specify: "All prescription and over-the-counter medications (liquids, gels, and aerosols) including KY jelly, eye drops, and saline solution for medical purposes". Why does KY jelly come before saline solution? What kind of sick mind prioritizes that way?

The TSA would also like you to know that it is crucial that the 3 oz containers of gels and liquids that you are permitted to bring with you ALL fit within ONE quart-size ziplock bag. This is because, as I'm sure you're aware, the quart-size ziplock bag has a magical property whereby its contents, however explosive they may be, are neutralized. This applies only to the quart-size bags, and only when they're alone; two quart-size bags together are extremely volatile, and the gallon-size are such insane hotbeds of explosive activity that they're practically nuclear reactors. Hence their expressly forbidden status.

The TSA reassures us repeatedly on their site that these restrictions are the result of the latest research on jihadis and their nefarious plans. Clearly they have thoroughly excluded the possibility of an exploding bottle of breast milk, or a toxic tube of KY jelly. That's why those things are permitted. Because they're safe. And with the tool of the one-quart ziplock, our safety is guaranteed. It is, literally, in the bag -- just so long as there's only one.

Safe travels, happy Thanksgiving, and we'll see you back here next week for the story of how Vietnam got us into Iraq.