Miss Manners

It's official! Mary Cheney and her girlfriend, Heather Poe, are welcoming their first child in the spring. This is great, because what the world lacks is enough Cheneys. They make so many fine contributions -- especially in the area of courtesy. For example, we have Mary's own description of her reaction to John Edwards at the '04 Vice-Pres. debate. Remember that? Where Edwards, in answer to a specific question about the gay Cheney daughter (a fact that no one, and especially not Mary herself, ever remembers), famously said the hurtful, cruel words: "I think the vice president and his wife love their daughter. I think they love her very much. And you can't have anything but respect for the fact that they're willing to talk about the fact that they have a gay daughter, the fact that they embrace her." Remember that shameful episode of Democratic nastiness? So, here's Mary Cheney on Fox with Chris Wallace a few months ago, describing her family's measured, rational response to the Vice-Presidential candidate:

WALLACE: You were sitting in the audience that night in Edwards' line of sight. What did you think and what did you do?

CHENEY: I was in the very front row, and I was very angry, as was the rest of my family, because it was such a cheap and blatant political ploy on behalf of Senator Edwards.

You know, my initial reaction was one I'm not necessarily sure is appropriate to share on television, but...

WALLACE: You mouthed an expletive, correct?

CHENEY: That would be a good way to put it, yes. [Ed. note: The expletive in question was "fuck you", which is, properly speaking, not an expletive but an obscene phrase. So it's not really a good way to put it, is it? And I will also point out that the expletive within the phrase is one that falls so easily from the Cheney lips that they have gifted it to the halls of the Senate and the stage of a televised national debate. With any luck, the new Cheney will someday have the honor of introducing "fuck" to the Queen of England, perhaps during a moment of silence at an Armistice Day ceremony, eh? At any rate, let us continue with how the Cheney's coped that on that awful, awful day of the debate:]

WALLACE: And your mom and your sister?

CHENEY: My mom and my sister took a slightly higher road. They stuck their tongues out at him.

Right. They stuck their tongues out at him. Now that I'm faced with that, I have to recant my previous comments and say that I vastly prefer a nice, solid "fuck you" to a couple of grown women acting like five-year-olds. So really, it's sounding great that we're going to have more Cheneys to carry the burden of guarding society against rude and inconsiderate speech.

And it's for this reason that, while Andrew Sullivan sees this as an occasion to commiserate with Mary about her inability to make an honest woman of her better half (despite the fact that Mary herself said on Fresh Air a few months ago that she didn't actually want to get married) -- I, on the other hand, see this event as offering a rather different opportunity. To me, it is a chance to once again replay the beauty, the hilarity, the astounding and hideous terror that is -- Biggus Dickus Dickus Cheneyus! My friends, turn your eyes southward, and thank all that is holy for the poverty and social obscurity that separates you from that thing -- whatever it may be: